i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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