just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
