if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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