Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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