Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Oh god it's open bar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
