my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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