Don't make out with my wife yet
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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