It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
