in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize