well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
