He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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