i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
