watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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