My underwear smells like fireworks.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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