we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
