she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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