my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I need a beard to bite.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
