How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
my poor anus
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
