I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Me. At least after what I've been through.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
