She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
