We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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