Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
