Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
