Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
