I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
