You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
