I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
