god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
