I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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