Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
