i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
