When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so let's talk penis.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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