Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
