did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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