And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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