i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
