What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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