I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
