Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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