Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
