You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she told me i tasted like america
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
