Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
