I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
