Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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