mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
