Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
