My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
