Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
