I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
