i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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