If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
