Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
