So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
