i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
