I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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