I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
