yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize