I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I did not marry a roomba.
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