The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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