I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
